Archive | May, 2010


30 May

Yesterday morning, I owned a vacuum cleaner – a gift.

It was red. And beautiful. And mine.

The giver – my mother – affirmed repeatedly this last point. It was mine. She would support me in keeping it. She would never claim it as hers.

So I let myself see it as mine. I cherished the fact that my mother gave me something – fulfilled my need to live in an environment free of dirt on the floor. The present of a vacuum cleaner meant that my mother cared for me, in spite of her previous abusive behaviour. It meant that I had the security of knowing that my mother gave a shit.

And now it belongs to her. She claimed it yesterday afternoon.


Anxiety Triggers

25 May

Herein lies a list of a number of my anxiety attack triggers. This is not a conclusive list of my triggers, nor should it be taken as representative of any other person’s anxiety triggers, but I consider it quite interesting nonetheless. Several of these are subcategories, rather than categories unto themselves, but WordPress doesn’t allow that level of bullet complexity. It should be taken as given that this post may trigger an anxiety reaction in readers.

Without further ado, the list:

  • Large crowds
  • The Beatles song “Run For Your Life,” from their album Rubber Soul (serious trigger warning on the lyrics). I can’t even listen to the album, which has some of my favorite songs on it, because of this damn song.
  • Transportation: driving, being driven, anticipation of either. Often begin to visualize gory wrecks.
  • Small crowds
  • Small spaces
  • Interaction with my mother
  • Interaction with my lover’s mother or father
  • Interaction with strangers
  • Interaction with doctors/health professionals
  • Discussing anxiety/anxiety attacks
  • Snakes, living or dead or in pictorial representations
  • Bugs on my skin
  • Physical pain
  • Phone calls
  • Unexpected touch
  • Expected touch
  • Breeze on leg/arm/head hair
  • Being too cold
  • Being too warm
  • Socks on my feet
  • Spilling a drink, especially on myself
  • Loud noises, especially unanticipated loud noise
  • The idea of eating or touching meat
  • Going to classes
  • Missing classes
  • Itchy skin
  • Waiting rooms
  • Music I don’t like
  • Lack of personal space
  • Grocery stores
  • Showers/bathing