Archive | June, 2010

[Redacted]

8 Jun

This post will meander. It probably won’t make a hell of a lot of sense. A specific set of words has been censored out because I can’t feel safe knowing people know how deeply I feel those words. If I don’t censor them out, this post will wind up in the WordPress trash bin, just like the dozens of other posts like it I’ve tried to write in the past.

Comments will be closed. I don’t think I can handle them.

Trigger warning.

I have [redacted]. I am a clinically depressed woman who doesn’t always take her antidepressants or go to the doctor when scheduled or do what she’s supposed to, and I have [redacted]. [Redacted] is one of those things where, if you have it, (according to the local prescriptivists) you need to see a doctor and stay on antidepressants and take care of yourself so that [redacted] doesn’t become [even more redacted]. I’ve heard arguments about [redacted], saying that people with depression coinciding with [redacted] don’t have any rights to their autonomy any longer, that they have, just by having [redacted] have turned in their bodies as forfeit to whomever is deemed as having medical authority over themselves. We are no longer autonomous, because people just don’t trust those with [redacted] to not [even more redacted].

I read a story recently, about a guy talking to his friends about [redacted]. Said friends reported guy to the police (Not linking, because it feels too close to admitting [redacted]).

This shit hurts, y’all. It hurts me, that people don’t trust me once I admit [redacted] to not [even more redacted] or [yet another redaction]. And why is [redacted] something I have to admit? Why won’t my brain let me call [redacted] by its name, on my own goddamn pseudonymous blog? Why can’t I trust that I will be safe, that someone won’t have the police trace my IP because they’re worried about the possibility of [even more redacted]? Why isn’t my autonomy guaranteed, even in what is supposedly a safe space that I control the content on?

I remember a blog post, over a year ago now, which was my first real encounter with ableism in internet feminism. The OP posited that a person in ou’s life deserved to have zir autonomy demolished, because of [redacted] and [redaction the fourth]. I remember reading that post, and the several hundred comments long comment thread (nearly all of which commended the original poster), repeatedly over several weeks, sobbing each time.

Why aren’t I real? Why in the flying fuck don’t I matter? Why is [redacted] your license to control my body with medical treatment, interference in my daily life with law enforcement? Why can’t you act on what I want? Why don’t you trust me to deal with [redacted] in the way I choose (and yes, doing nothing is a legitimate choice.)? Why don’t you trust me? Why?

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